Wednesday, December 3, 2008

We can hardly stand the wait

We're back for round two or, I should say, song number 23 on the Christmas Song Countdown!

Since I am going from mentionable but unliked songs, I will go ahead and say that number 23 was not a difficult pick. In fact, it's not exactly just one song, either, but an entire album.

# 23 on the countdown is the entire Chipmunks Greatest Christmas Hits album. That's right. All of em. Every one of em with special emphasis on "The Chipmunk Song" and "All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth."

I'm going to take this time to elaborate on why, precisely, I hate it: 

1-The Chipmunks are about as cool as the California Raisins no matter what songs they sing in or what season they sing it in. They have no business dancing around and singing. We eat raisins, who wants to imagine they're recreating showtunes or putting on musicals in your stomach or on their way down to your digestive system? With Chipmunks I find myself wondering-what do they even do? What is their purpose in life? Really, Chipmunks are glorified squirrels and when I think of squirrels around the holidays, I think of that scene from National Lampoon's Christmas where the chipmunk jumps out of the newly chopped Christmas tree and runs rampant through the house ruining Christmas Eve. This begs the question, if that chipmunk came complete with a drummer, guitarist and a bit of vocalized melody and harmony, would the Griswolds have been ok with their dinner ending up on the floor? Something tells me those Griswolds switch the radio station when Alvin, Simon and Theodore take to the airwaves. I do it, too. Who can blame them?

2. They have high pitched, computer-stylized voices that drive me up a wall. It's like they taught chalkboards how to harmonize when they're scratched, then taped it and called it "The Chipmunks."

3. I hate Dave. (This is particular to the Chipmunk Christmas song when he's yelling for Alvin to come join the group and finally screams, "Aalviiiiiiiiiiiiiin!"-picture a cartoon-close-up of the inside of his mouth, focusing on the tonsil that wiggles around as he screams for the elusive chipmunk). I've always thought he was a huge loser. Nowadays, his stereotypical character has been recreated in other shows: the single, musician father, raising his three, ahem, Chipmunks (in this case). Case in point: Rufus Humphrey from Gossip Girl-he's got two kids, both of which he has a fabulous relationship with and he's raising them on his own. One of his kids, Lil J, is sort of turning into a nightmare (think: Alvin the tween, real life, slightly mod-glam version. Oh, and female!). While Dave was the prototype for this kind of father, he was a weak, underdeveloped one and he yelled entirely too much for my liking. He was always being thwarted, too, and deceived. He was such a fool and even as a kid I thought he was an idiot. Plus, who thinks it's a good idea to make a rock band out of chipmunks? No one!

Otherwise, I just don't like the hokiness of the songs. I'm not sure how else to explain it besides hokey, really. I have strong feelings against the Chipmunks singing-not so much when I see them on a t-shirt, but when they're animated with lifelike motions, I tend to feel a bit indignant and want to sick my dogs on them. No Alvin and the Chipmunks in this house. Christmas would be a happier season without those rodent-half-breeds.

On that note, I'll leave you with my more chipper half :)

Dustin's Pick: "25th December"
His Reason: "Here's a pretty decent but poorly titled Christmas song by Everything But the Girl, a band with a hard time coming up with good song titles and band names. 

One has to do a bit of Jeopardy!-type thinking to speculate on how they named themselves that. Perhaps, before practice one day in the garage, the band members were playing that desert island game, and one guy was like, "What would you want to have on your desert island, dude?" And the other guy's like, "Everything but the girl. She's always telling me I should, like, you know, go to college, or try to get a job, or take a shower ... whatever." And the first guy's like, "I got it! We'll call our band that!"

Or maybe during a band member's coke intervention, one guy was like, "Chrissakes. What else can you snort up that powdery snozz of yours?" 

And seconds later, joila! Everything But the Girl was named.

"25th December" has a nostalgic narrator who wistfully glances back from the plateau of early mid-life and wonders how things got how they are, as I sort of find myself doing sometimes. It's sad, gosh darnit, but it's also hopeful. Dude's reconciling with his past, admitting to himself that there were important things he did not know, things he forgot to appreciate. But he's aware of a changeable future. It's A Christmas Carol again. You guys know how I feel about that story. 

Gets me every time. 

1 comment:

  1. CNN stole your idea, btw. They're counting down the worst Christmas songs / the most overplayed Christmas songs. And I saw some chipmonks in the tease video...